A document detailing our healthcare expenditures just arrived in the mail.
“Shocking,” I said.
“You mean the cost of healthcare?” the husband asked.
“No—documentation that we are officially fixer-uppers.”
There it was, right before our eyes. Three months of physical therapy for a back injury from lunging into the far back of an SUV to retrieve a coffee cup.
Did you know strong glute muscles are key to a strong back? Well, now you do. That’ll be $4,000, please.
The lengthiest charges are for steroid injections and three months of physical therapy for the man who thought removing the roots of a 40-year-old maple tree by himself would save us money. Who would have guessed swinging an axe seven hours a day for five days would mean two frozen shoulders?
There was a lot of picture taking featuring x-rays and scans. Our modeling fees are exorbitant.
On the upside, our bodies may hurt from time to time, but our knowledge of medical terms and anatomy has never been better. Hip bone connected to the back bone, back bone connected to the credit card.
The door to the linen closet is the only thing between us and an avalanche of prescription meds and over-the-counter remedies: vitamins, painkillers, nasal sprays, allergy meds, eye drops, antibiotic creams, bug bite creams for the grands, cough syrups for infants, toddlers, and adults, some artificially colored and some dye-free, all in the fruit flavor of your choice.
Even the kitchen screams, “Send help.” There are protein drinks and mineral waters in the ‘fridge and a 4:1 ratio of large blue ice packs to food in the freezer. There’s an XXL ice pack in the freezer in the garage, big enough to cover an entire back.
Pink 2-pound weights that make our Army veteran son-in-law laugh out loud sit on my desk. The laundry area is where you’ll find the rice-filled neck wrap you heat in the microwave, then sling around your neck when you can’t turn your head.
The husband just came home from the gym and flipped on the TV. “There was a show on HGTV where a crew tried to restore a 100-year-old house and the whole thing collapsed. Want to watch how it turns out?”
“No thanks. The concept hits too close to home.”