No, you can’t have my banking info

That rich Nigerian prince fellow must have found someone to take all his money because he hasn’t emailed me in ages.

I’ve also noticed that my friends have become better at international travel. I no longer receive emails from “close friends” (whom I haven’t heard from in years) allegedly stranded overseas, desperate because they were mugged, had their passport stolen and now urgently need help to buy a Google Play card for a grandkid’s birthday.

If I were stranded with no money, identification or passport, the last thing on my mind would be a grandkid’s birthday. (Sorry, kids!)

Nigerian princes and international travelers have disappeared, but other scammers fill the abyss. Most of their correspondence routes directly to my junk file, but a few slip in now and then.

“Mr. Bernard” recently emailed that he has money to give me as a charitable gift. To receive the gift, I will need to send some pertinent financial information. He says he will be waiting.

It’s going to be a long wait, Bernie.

Gordon Cole QC, solicitor at law and investment adviser to my late relative, says my late relatives left behind cash and properties. The solicitor would like to open the floodgates to wealth once I confirm my lineage, surname and country of origin. Gordon hopes to hear from me soon.

Not gonna happen, Gordie.

I have also received notification that I am an heiress. Just when I start pondering what to wear, where to build my estate, and whether Elon Musk will be my friend, along comes another bogus email saying I have unpaid bills. The latest scammer claimed Microsoft Office365 has overlooked my delinquency for some time, but no more.  Unless I open the attached document, all my programs will immediately stop working.

I’ll set fire to my own computer before opening a document from an unknown sender.

A laugh out loud email needs “information necessary to complete Lori Borgman employee’s salary package.” I’ve been writing for 30 years, and I’ve never had a salary package!

All I would have to do is “evaluate the modifications and immediately sign consent to the handbook in section 4.” I’ve never had a handbook either!

The message continued: “This policy’s objectve (sic) is to keep salaries and benefits competitve (sic) while garuanteeing (sic) that the business can keep providing for its clients and staff. Sincerly (sic), Lori Borgman Human Resources Department.”

The only thing that might remotely convince me that I sent an email about myself, to myself, on behalf of myself, was all the typos.

Here’s what always gets me: The people who run scams, commit fraud, credit card and identity theft, and turn people’s lives upside down, probably have a decent measure of intelligence and enterprise. What a waste that they don’t channel those same abilities toward something productive and good.

They could earn a living, and probably a decent one, the way their victims do – by working for it.

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